HI SWEETHEART, THINKING OF YOU AND YOUR LOVING FAMILY, SENDING YOU ALL LOTS OF LOVE. GOD BLESS.

Thinking of you on this
4th July
Cole 
Love
Beverly (Daughter of Thomas Allen)
xxxx 

Death Ended Your Child's Life,
But Not His or Her Relationship to the Family



In 1983, I wrote a two-part article for the [National TCF] Newsletter called "Commitment to Survival" in which I
described parent bereavement as a complex process that includes mothers and fathers maintaining a relationship with
their dead child. Specifically, I wrote: "Death ended your child's life but not his or her relationship to the family" and
"You give up the old person who was physically connected to a now deceased child and make different connections with
your child who has died."

I received many letters describing how bereaved parents had been criticized and even ridiculed by others for
expressing their continuing love and connection to their dead child. You told me you copied the articles and sent them to
friends, relatives and people in the work place to let them know that it was "normal" to want to talk about your child. You
also told me that in your opinion, maintaining a sacred bond to your dead child was vital to your well being.
From 1983 to the present, I have conducted a number of studies with both bereaved parents and siblings. Findings from
these studies indicate the ongoing connection you have to your dead child is a catalyst and an enduring energy which
sustains one through the most intense time of grief and gives survivors the courage to face loss that bereaved parents and
their living children must endure. The deep pain of grief comes with a deep introspective searching for answers to
agonizing questions about why your child's death had to be part of your life and about your shattered dreams.
Research shows that this period of grief is characterized by feelings of hopelessness, profound sadness, aching
loneliness and a belief that you will not and cannot ever be happy again. Physical reaction may include fast heartbeats,
shortness of breath, and a sense of fear or panic that more bad things will happen to other loved ones. Many bereaved
parents expressed feeling angry, blaming themselves and others for their child's death. You spoke of being preoccupied
with endless thoughts and feelings about the circumstances surrounding his or her death and the difficulty of coping and
adapting to your new, permanently changed lives. You said that this was a time of "feeling confusion about who you
were, not knowing yourself anymore and feeling detached from others" and how these thoughts and feelings demanded
and used up the little bit of energy you had each morning.

Grief work is infinitely private, painful work. Part of you died with your child and now you must struggle with letting
go of your old self as you endure the unknown of who you will become. One newly bereaved parent described this
process by saying, "I liked who I was before my child died. I don't like who I am now. I barely know myself."
In the beginning of grief you were consumed with the myriad reminders of your child's life and death. As time
passed, you found occasional peaceful respites from grief as the episodes of deep grieving gradually became less frequent
and intense. Finally, you described knowing you were having more good days than bad. This marked the beginning of
leaving behind some of the suffering and sorrow of intense grief and having the energy available for keeping and
cherishing the love and connection you have to your dead child. Surviving the struggle with death and finding life again
renews energy and is manifest in your becoming stronger and better able to cope with your loss. You gain a realization of
having become more tolerant of yourself and others and becoming a part of life again.
The hardest work of becoming a survivor is learning to live without the physical presence of your dead child while
simultaneously learning to live with his or her emotional and spiritual presence. You find that meaning in your life is
derived from your relationship to those you love, including your dead child. The legacy your child has left is a love that
transcends time and space.

by Nancy S. Hogan, RN, PhD
Dr. Hogan is an Associate Professor at the University of Miami
(Reprinted from the TCF National Newsletter)
-Reprinted from the Nashville April 2007 Newsletter

Thinking of Sweet Cole



And if I go, while you're still here...
know that I live on,
vibrating to a different measure
behind a thin veil you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
so you must have faith.
I wait for the time when
we can soar together again,
both aware of each other.
Until then, live your life to the fullest
and when you need me,
just whisper my name in your heart,
...I will be there.

written by Emily Dickinson, American Poet

Wishing Cole's father a peaceful Father's Day.
love and prayers to all of the family,
Rosemary sis of Alvin Cremeans
xoxo

Hello my big guy, Mommy is just so sad tonight, i just miss you so much and wish u were here with us..I would give anything to kiss and huge and rube that beautiful head of hair..Mommy just cant seem to quit crying these days, i just dont know what else to do..
Mommy tries to figure out everynight why this had to happen and why he had to take u away from us. I just wish we had so much more time to really get to know eachother..
I so wanted to watch u grow up..It just seem so unfair that I carried u for 7 1/2 months and only got 11 weeks with u afterward, i just wish someone could explain this to my heart,
I went to visit u today and put some beautiful flowers out there for you and so i hope that u really like them.
I keep remembering what we were doing at this time last year, and at this time i am sure i was up feeding u in the middle of the night, which i would give anything to have them sleepless nights again..I just want u to know that u are so love and missed, ant here isnt and hour goes by that i am not thinking of u..I LOVE YOU MY LITTLE MAN..LOVE ALWAYS AND FOREVER MOMMY

Happy Heavenly Birthday Cole
Send kisses to your mommy because she loves and misses you so very much.